The Morning after Christmas
by repressedemotions
Summary: 7th year. Jily. The morning after a Christmas party, Lily wakes up beside James. She has a limited recollection of the night before, but she attempts to remember what had happened between the two of them. Can James help her?
1. Chapter 1

Lily Evans' return to consciousness involved distinguishing the deep and steady breaths beneath her from the dragon-fighting dream she was immersed in. The breaths became more pronounced as the dream subsided, and she suddenly found herself in a cupboard that she didn't recognise but understood to be located in the Gryffindor tower due to the distinctive décor it bore. This was, however, merely a passing thought since the majority of her mind was focused on the fact that there was a boy with her – a boy whose chest she was currently using as a pillow. She resisted the urge to hyperventilate.

The boy's identity remained a mystery as she attempted to recall the events of last night and drew the typical alcohol-induced blankness. Peaking under the blankets, she found her body covered by the slightest of underwear, but the boy was fully clothed, and she appreciated the intelligence in his choice as she was freezing in the December air. She was fairly embarrassed to admit that this wasn't the first (or second or third or fourth) time she had woken like this – nights with various boys and girls completely lost from her – but she felt different this morning and she couldn't understand why.

After moments of deliberation, she slightly raised her head and tilted it up to find the face that she least expected. It was a face that she hardly recognised without its typical arrogance, but it was adorned with hair that she could never mistake as belonging to any other. She slowly lowered her head back onto his chest and she started to hyperventilate. She had sex with James Potter last night.


	2. Chapter 2

Lily couldn't remember. For reasons she deemed to be best left unexplored, it upset her that she couldn't remember. Not wanting to feel the hurt brewing within her, she cast her mind back to yesterday with a new, feverish determination. There was a point beyond which the night became a blackened blur, so she chose to start a few hours prior to that.

She was drying her hair with her wand while facing the mirror in her dorm room. In her expression, she saw the flatness that had been developing over the past few months, and despite the amount of practice she put into smiling, it wouldn't leave. However bright she forced her face to shine, she could not influence the washed-out nature of her once vivid eyes, and this was all she began to notice. When she was talking to others and so couldn't see her reflection, she saw the death in their expressions instead. It was a plague that she was spreading.

She looked at herself and imagined she was at home. She thought of how she would be sat between her mother and father instead of between two beds, how tonight would involve pulling crackers and exchanging gifts and eating way too much cake instead of biting nails and squeezing into dresses and having to interact with the idiots that are her classmates. The loss of her happy Christmas almost reduced her to the hysterical crying that had recently become almost normal for her, but the image of Petunia red in the face and spitting out her true thoughts regarding Lily flashed in her mind. After a shaky breath, she wiped away the gathering tears before they could fall and put on her happy-Lily mask.

Her fellow seventh-years had kicked the rest of Gryffindor out of the common room; they outnumbered, as well as terrified, the tiny ones who'd remained at Hogwarts during Christmas break, so it was fairly easy. Of course, for the next few days, they will go on about their 'courage' as they 'fought for their beliefs' and 'wrestled the human mountains' while remaining 'discrete' as they 'defied the totalitarian state'. Lily felt horrible about the wide-eyed, lost children in the cold hallways this Christmas, but there were some fights that even she couldn't win.

Most of her year had chosen to spend their last Christmas at Hogwarts rather than home, so that they could spend it together as friends, and also because they believed that they deserved some unadulterated fun before the end of this school year, when they would enter the real wizarding world with its growing unrest. So, instead of kids in the corner and books sprawled across the floor, there were insane amounts of food piled onto tables and even more insane amounts of firewhisky and mead amongst the occasional bottle of wine arranged by the wall.

Lily made her way down from her dorm. She stopped mid-step with her mouth gaping open as she encountered the alcohol presented before her. "Woah," she breathed.

"I know, right!" Lily heard the voice coming from beside her, and she turned to the smiling face of Sirius Black.

She laughed at the pride in his face, and said, "Maybe a little excessive?"

"It's Christmas, baby!" he responded, then grabbed her hand and dragged her into the middle of the room. The space had been cleared out, and just as Lily realised what was to follow, Sirius shouted out, "James! Give me music!"

A song by The Lunars blasted out of the corner, and Sirius began to spin her. "Sirius, I do not dance!" she shouted in order to be heard above the music.

"Yes, you do!" he shouted back.

"No, I really don't!" She stopped him from spinning her and stared deep into his eyes, willing him to understand her inability.

Sirius looked at her with a sad smile, then leaned into her ear and said, "Just for tonight, we will be happy."

Lily, remaining unconvinced, pleaded, "Sirius, I can't…"

Sirius changed tactic with, "The person I would love to dance with doesn't reciprocate those feelings, so do me a favour. I love this song and I love dancing and I love you, so please? For me?" He stood tall again, and those stupid, brown, shiny puppy eyes were too much to refuse. She sighed then nodded then attempted to dance.

For him. Lily and Sirius had only become friends this September, but it had bloomed faster than anything else she'd experienced. Lily was becoming increasingly miserable, and this misery had isolated her from her friends, and her friendlessness had exacerbated the misery. With Sirius, however, she felt like herself again – she felt like her spark has somewhat returned.

A few days into the new term, she had found Sirius sitting alone by the forest. He looked sad, and sadness in others is Lily's greatest weakness, so she decided to give him a chance. She placed the past six years behind her, sat beside him, and they simply started to talk.

Sirius told her of his recent running away from home. Lily confessed about the situation with her sister. They connected that night, both of them finally able to talk about subjects that hurt too much to talk about, and since then, their bond has only strengthened. Sirius laughed about the various mischief involving himself with James, Remus and Peter (Lily remained strongly anti-James). Lily recounted the deterioration of her friendship with Severus (Sirius became even more anti-Severus). Sirius cried into her arms as he finally told her (told anyone) about him being gay, and Lily comforted him with everything she could possibly give. Lily told him about her being bisexual and indulged him with some of her bisexual escapades. Sirius told her about the feelings he had for Remus. Lily cried with him.

In addition to the bare all nature of their relationship, they had fun. They ran around the grounds while solving various mysteries as the muggle detective Sherlock Holmes and his companion Dr. John Watson (neither realised that they both believed they were Sherlock), they 'accidentally' wandered into Hogsmeade on multiple occasions (typically during the night), where they sneaked into empty shops and joked around, and they even skipped class together (this was a new experience for Lily) whenever one was feeling down and they would explore the castle and it's secrets. Lily loved Sirius. He was everything that she was in desperate need of, but he was also everything that she had ever wanted. She would do anything – even dance – for him.

So they danced. Other students joined them on the makeshift dancefloor as the evening progressed. Then came the game.


	3. Chapter 3

Lily had left the common room for a quick trip to the toilet, then returned to a space that was no longer bursting with the hip gyration and body rolls and head bangs of the sweaty group within it. Instead, there was a (kind of) circle made by the cross-legged students sat on the floor. She found an empty space by Sirius which she slipped into, then asked, "What's going on?"

"We're playing a game," Sirius replied.

"Game?"

"Some sort of muggle game."

"A drinking game!" someone called out, though Lily wasn't certain of the owner of the voice.

"Yeah. It's called 'I haven't ever' or something like that," Sirius said.

"Never have I ever," someone corrected. Lily did recognise this voice. She looked towards its site of origin and found James Potter watching her, sat just a few friends away.

Her eyes flicked away after the briefest of connections, then they found Sirius again. She smiled and said, "Okay. Let's do this."

Up until the game, Lily had indulged in a few sips of firewhisky and a glass of wine, all of which had her lowered her inhibitions, but the amount was tolerable and she remained in control. However, Lily's repertoire of experiences is more extensive than most, and the game precipitated the loss of her night.

Mary MacDonald started the game with, "Never have I ever been in a snowball fight," to which the majority of the circle laughed and took a sip of whatever alcoholic beverage had found home in their hands. "I really haven't!" Mary giggled and Lily smiled at her happiness.

Peter Pettigrew was to the right of Mary and he continued, "Never have I ever been caught sneaking food out of the kitchen." Sirius, James and Remus cheered as they raised their drinks to one another and took almighty sips.

Sirius joked, "Well, McGonagall didn't notice you because she assumed you were a house elf."

"Ha ha," Peter said sarcastically.

The game progressed, with the questions becoming increasingly scandalous – well, at least in terms of seventeen-year-olds. Lily took drink after drink after drink, and the night began to lose clarity around it edges, with Sirius's hair blurring into nothing as he stared at her in total shock when she drank in admission of participating in an orgy.

Time had passed and Lily suddenly found herself watching Sirius as he watched Remus. "Are you sure you don't want to look any closer?" she whispered into his ear.

Sirius attempted but failed at not blushing. He whispered back, "And you're one to talk? You've been staring at James all night."

"No, I have not."

"Trust me baby, you have."

Lily grew lost in her thoughts where she came to the unwelcome conclusion that Sirius was right; she had been watching James. It could be easily proven by the sheer quantity of images she had of James's face this night. His beautiful, annoying face. As she thought of his face, her eyes unconsciously drifted towards it. A strand of his hair had fallen into the void between his skin and his glasses, and she wanted to reach out and brush it away, her fingertips softly trailing his skin, until her hand would come to rest just behind his ear. Her thumb would remain in front and she could gently stroke the angle of his jaw, feeling the harshness of stubble beneath it, a contrast to her other fingers nestled in the light, fluffiness of the clouds that is his hair. Her fingers tingled in anticipation of meeting him.

Her eyes continued their path downward towards the triangle of chest peeking out of his shirt (his top button was perfectly undone) and she imagined kissing the hollow between his collarbones. She then imagined raising her hands from her laps to grab both sides of material and tearing them away from each other, the buttons popping off and bouncing around the room. She imagined the entire world that would await her. However, she wanted to know, rather than have to combine various bodies she's experienced to create a guess of his. She wanted to possess an accurate image of his freckles and scars and creases and hairs. His body sat a mere grasp away, and with her everything, she yearned to close that distance. Her eyes flicked back up and she realised that he was watching her. She would have been mortified had she not distinguished the longing in his expression. He wanted her, too.

At the sound of Sirius's snigger, her eyes snapped away and tentatively met the knowing face beside her. He had been teasing her about James since they first became friends, and Lily would continuously deny it – to him and to herself – but perhaps Sirius was the more perceptive one. She smiled at Sirius and leaned against his arm, partly due to affecting and partly due the toll that alcohol was having on her. She snuck another glance at James, trying to be more discrete, and she saw that he was deliberately looking away from her with a strange expression on his face, almost like anger or disgust or annoyance, but none of those were entirely correct. Every notion about a sense of connection was torn from her. She felt a surge of rage towards him for making her wish for something that contradicted the past six years, and she felt even more furious at herself for being weak enough to hope. She went back to the game.

The questions continued and Lily was becoming increasingly intoxicated. She remained conscious of the fact that she should not be looking at James, and each time she caught herself doing it, she quickly looked away. However, she had still seen enough of him to realise that he had hardly drank anything during the game.

"Never have I ever had sex on a first date," she heard from the other side of the room, so she took an excessively large mouthful. And with it, the balance was tipped.

"Why aren't you playing properly," she asked with a drunken slur to her voice, staring right at James.

"Me?" he asked.

"Yes. You."

"What do you mean?" he said, tilting his head with his hair flopping to one side in an adorable manner that made Lily furious.

"You aren't even drinking!" she replied.

"Well, because I haven't ever had sex on a first date."

"I don't believe you!"

"Um…"

"Sorry, she's a bit of an angry drunk," Sirius interjected.

Lily turned to face him with a fire in her eyes that even Sirius had to flinch from. She said, "Firstly I'm not angry. Secondly I'm not drunk. Thirdly I'm not an angry drunk." She wished that the magnitude of her voice, something she'd lost control of as the alcohol accumulated, didn't discredit her perfectly valid points.

Sirius laughed, put his arm around her and squeezed her into him. "You're so right. I'm sorry," he said.

Although Lily understood that there was as much sincerity in his apology as there was truth in her statement about her drunkenness, she smiled and let it go. Alcohol makes it as easy to let go as it does to get you into situations where the need to let go is present. She was about to apologise to James when she was met with that same strange look she had seen earlier. Without any remaining traces of sobriety influencing her judgement, she realised that it was hurt. James Potter looked hurt. She didn't understand why.

However, that thought was soon blown away by the distraction of the game recommencing. "Never have I ever skinny-dipped." Lily and Sirius's gazes met, then they clinked their drinks together and drank.

This was the last moment that Lily could clearly remember the next morning. She tried and tried to remember what happened next, but all she found were strange images of flying through corridors and of sparkling snow that she believed that to be of a Christmas dream origin. The night was lost.

Just as she came to the difficult acceptance of that fact, she felt James stir beneath her.


	4. Chapter 4

James Potter woke up to an unfamiliar heaviness atop his chest. Still partially in his dream, he opened one eye by the tiniest of fractions, braced against whatever attack Sirius had planned, but none came. The barely-formed thought on how the lighting was somewhat wrong passed through his mind, and as reality reasserted itself with a more firm touch, he realised that what he'd assumed to be his dorm was a cupboard and what he'd assumed to be his bed was the floor. And then came the final realisation.

Blood red was spilled over his skin and he remembered her. He incredulously wondered how he could have forgotten. This was Lily Evans. She was fluorescence and aching laughter and a crisp citrus scent. She was undeniable and incomparable and most certainly unforgettable. Her hair was spilled everywhere and she was with him.

Lily's head rose so she no longer lay on him and James mourned the loss. She tilted her head towards his own, her body twisting beside him with her arms grazing his skin as she moved, and she propped herself up onto her elbows. She ran one hand through the hair that had crashed with the grace of waves, pushing it back, exposing the most beautiful face he believed to have ever existed.

James turned so that he could lie on his side. She stared at him – into him – the greenest of greens piercing through his own brown. Her eyes were surrounded by the puffiness of sleep, and James longed to kiss their softness. James longed to kiss her in general. The thought of kissing brought his gaze down to her lips and memories of yesterday flooded back, leaving a smile in their wake.

"Hey," Lily whispered. James's eyes snapped back to her own. Her voice sent his heart pounding and he willed it to calm down before she felt it.

"Hey," he replied.

"So this is awkward."

James chuckled and Lily gave him the type of smile he'd only ever dreamt of receiving. He had seen it stretched across her face thousands of times, but never directed at him. He usually received a look of contempt, thus any type of smile would be an improvement, but this smile was special. It begins as her eyebrows raising with a subtle quiver, then the smile erupts, with her teeth hidden and lips drifted towards one side, and finally, the eyebrows are lowered which allows the slight squinting of her eyes. A few years ago, he realised that the smile she currently wore was one saved for the happiness of those she cared about; she smiled because she was happy that others were happy, and James believed that there was nothing sweeter in the world. He felt honoured to have received her smile. He said jokingly, "Don't worry, I forgive you."

The smile lingered for the second it took for her to process the words, then it was gone as though it has never existed. "You forgive me?" she asked with her eyebrows furrowed, mouth slightly open and head leaned away from his own.

"Yeah," he said, his own smile fading.

"For what?" she asked.

"Um…" James questioned whether he'd offended her, but he found obvious reason as to how he could have. He hoped that it was just a miscommunication. "For you being a drunk mess last night," he clarified, though with a slight raising of pitch towards the end as though asking a question.

Lily's mouth fell from slightly open to gaping open. She sat up, grabbing the blanket in the process to hold over her chest, and shouted, "We have sex and the first thing you say is that you forgive me?!" She stood up, ensuring her body was entirely encompassed by the white sheet, and continued, "For being a drunk mess?!" The anger she was emitting was almost tangible. "Well I fucking apologise for not being up to your standards!"

James lay where he was as she watched her in silent shock. As her hand reached towards the door handle, he knew he had to stop her, so he shouted out the only thing that he could, "We didn't have sex!"

Lily halted in her dignified exit, slowly turned back around and asked, "What?"

James sat up, suddenly cold without her and their blanket. "We didn't have sex," he repeated the truth.

She watched him with what most would assumed to be a blank expression, but James had six years' worth of experience, and he saw relief. In her slow exhalation and relaxation of shoulders, he saw relief. She was relieved they hadn't had sex. He understood then. All the ridiculous beliefs he had held last night as she fell asleep in his arms were over, because the relief proved that she didn't want him. And that was okay. He'd always know that she didn't want him – she didn't even like him – and one drunken night wouldn't change that. He had to stop pining over her then expecting that love to be reciprocated. He mentally chastised himself for he was even doing it now; he was projecting his own hurt onto her, because for a brief moment, he thought that she looked sad.

"I'm sorry," she said.

With a newfound acceptance of his place in her life, James patted the floor beside him. Lily shuffled towards him, the blanket obstructing her movements, and she half-fell as she sat next to him.

"So you don't remember last night, huh?" he said, staring straight ahead, too afraid to look at her. Lily remained silent, and James took that as an answer. "What do you remember last," he softly probed.

After several long moments, just as James thought that she wouldn't answer, he heard her muted voice, "I lost it sometime during the game."

After some deliberation, he asked, "Want to know what you missed?"

"Yes, please," she replied.

James cast his mind back to yesterday and began his story.


	5. Chapter 5

The game that Mary MacDonald had suggested for the group to play had gradually dwindled down to nothing, most participants transferring the buzz created by it (specifically the alcoholic aspect of it) to the recently recommenced dancing or the conversations by the food tables or the almost-sex occurring in darkened niches of the room. After the dispersal, James saw Mary sitting alone with a cushion clutched to her chest. He made his way over to her, dodging various attempted hugs by his classmates, mentally cursing the incessant need to touch that coincides with alcohol consumption. He finally took a seat beside her.

"Hi," he said.

"Hello," Mary replied.

"How are you?"

Mary plastered on a smile that resembled a grimace more than anything, but James pretended to believe in its authenticity. "I'm great. You?"

"Um, I've been better."

"Oh, why's that?"

"I'm not sure. I mean, I don't like being around drunk people, so there's that."

"Yes, they are awful," Mary laughed.

"What's up with all the hugs? I don't get it!"

"Exactly! I am so terrified about being an affectional drunk that I just don't drink!"

"Clever solution," James chuckled.

After a few quiet seconds, Mary asked, "And that's it? Just the drunk idiots bringing you down?" James looked down at his lap, knowing entirely too well that there was more, but unable to utter the words in fear of breaking every rule and restriction he'd placed upon himself. "Maybe, you're upset about Lily?" James's eyes snapped back to her face, slightly wide, and she interpreted his action correctly. She continued, "Maybe, just maybe, you're upset about Lily and Sirius?"

She had pierced him far too close to the truth, so he rebutted, "What's wrong with you? Why would you even say that? I can't be upset about Lily; I have no right to be upset over her. And Sirius? He is my best mate. How in Merlin's name could he ever upset me?!" James simply recited what had become an almost nightly mantra in order to preserve what he had always valued most highly in himself – him as a friend.

Mary flinched from the sharp tone in his voice. She meekly apologised with her eyes pointed away and she stood up, but before she could leave, James grabbed her hand. She turned back around, looking down at him with a question in her eyes.

James sighed, hating himself even more than he did five minute ago. He thought that he would fix at least this. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that."

"No, you're right. And, anyway, it's none of my business," she replied.

"But I lied. You were right," he admitted, covering with his face with his hands and groaning due to the sheer bleakness of the situation.

James felt the sofa dip as she sat beside him, then she wrapped her arm around his body. James looked at her through his fingers, and he found that she had allowed her happy mask to drop, as though his suffering allowed her to express her own. "Life is shit," she said.

James choked out a laugh, sitting up straight again. "Yeah, it really is," he agreed. After deciding to trust those soft, blue eyes, James said, "Lily is hot, okay. But it's so much more than that. She's the best person I know," then after a short sad laugh, he continued, "and I don't even know her."

"She's a great girl," Mary agreed.

"And Sirius, he's my brother, you know? It's more than friendship. He's family. And I want him to be happy, even if that is with Lily. Plus, it's not like I have any sense of entitlement that would have the slightest impact on the development of their relationship – she has made it plenty clear she's not interested in me – but it just hurts every time I see her laugh with him because I want to be sat beside her, telling ridiculous jokes and re-telling even more ridiculous stories, to make her laugh. And I feel so shit for wishing them less happiness. I am such a bad person."

"Okay, listen to me. I agree that your situation is less than desirable, but I will not let you say things like that about yourself. You aren't happy with their relationship, but you understand that it's bad of you to do so. Bad people don't see life that way. Also, you don't feel indebted, which is so fucking rare in a guy. And trust me, you've been in love with her since you were eleven; in terms of friendship, Sirius should not be allowed to go for her. But you won't stop him because you want him to be happy?! You're a better friend than I."

"That doesn't stop me from wishing he would stop, though."

"I saw Lily and Sirius all over each other during the game, and I saw that for you, each touch was comparable to, maybe worse than, the Cruciatus Curse. You obviously want it to stop! People don't happily seek out torture."

"But-"

Mary interrupted whatever protest he had ready with, "Okay, fine. Just think about this. I was sitting here, alone, not knowing what to say or how to act or what to do because I'm a broken mess-"

"No you're not," James whispered.

"-and not one person in this entire room noticed, or if they did, they didn't care. But not you. You came up to me. You sat next to me. You asked me if I was okay. Do you know how many people ask me that?" At James's silence, she said, "One. One people. And that person is Lily. So if you think Lily is a saint, well I'm sorry to tell you that you are somewhere close."

James started to deny it, to prove his worthlessness, but at the determination on her face, his words mumbled into silence.

"You're not a bad person," Mary said.

James hoped that he could believe her. He decided that he will try harder and it will be better. He smiled because he was certain he was about to fly as he felt light after feeling burdened for so long, and he smiled at the kind soul before him, and Mary smiled back.

"So, how are you, then? Really?" James asked. With his question, he and Mary engaged in a conversation that marked the beginning of their friendship.

After a period of time that James lost awareness of, Mary pointed out that Lily was leaving. He turned towards her and saw tears streaming down her face for a brief moment before her hair slipped out of their home behind her ear and a red curtain was drawn. He felt his heart drop.

"Go," he heard Mary say. He looked back and the encouragement on her face was all that he needed.

James ran after Lily.


	6. Chapter 6

Lily had made her way to the stairwell in the time it took James to reach her. She was half-running and half-stumbling, with the tears obstructing her vision presenting a major safety hazard. She was stood by the first step when James finally saw her.

"Lily!" James called out when she entered his field of vision as a red spark blazing in the corner of his eye. He ran to her and only stopped a nanosecond before he crashed into her, out of breathe but desperately trying to appear less so. Her back was to him, her hair stealing his rational thoughts, and he reached out to place his hand on her shoulder. However, as contact was imminent, Lily spun on her heels to face him. James's hand froze mid-air, inches away from the heat of her skin. To restrain himself, James curled his fingers into a fist, then he slowly lowered it. He watched the silent tears emerging as a continuous flow from her red eyes, their path either over her red cheeks or over the more difficult red nose, until they ended amongst her red hair. Both aching to wipe away her tears and questioning his sanity for thinking that was a feasible option, his hand trembled by his side.

"Lily," he breathed, his heart almost floating with the exhalation of her name. "Are you okay?" he asked, to which Lily's tears worsened with violent sobs racking her body. It took everything to stop himself from holding her, and by everything, he meant one thing. "Shall I get Sirius?" he asked.

Lily shook her hair and said with a voice thick with tears, "No! Not him. It's his fucking fault."

James naturally leapt to his best friends defence. "Listen, I'm sure he's sorry. He offends people all the time, he kind of can't help it, but he never means it. He's a good guy."

Her nose wrinkled with disgust, making James feel less than owl shit. Anger replaced her tears. "Well, obviously you'd think that. You're both the same," she spat at him, venom dripping from the words that James would have usually taken as a compliment.

"Okay," he said. His heart was transfigured to stone and it sank through the various abdominal organs beneath it. "Okay," he repeated. He wished that he could walk away from her, leave her to cry and go back to his friends, exit with the tiniest shred of dignity. Instead, he sighed and asked, "What happened?"

Lily looked at him with wide, shiny eyes, then her eyes fell to the floor. James saw them fill up with tears again and he wished that he could fix everything for her.

"The children," she cried.

"What children?" he asked. The weakness of his self-restraint became apparent as her pain pierced through its defences, overthrowing it. His hand found itself cupped around the side of her arm, and he ran it up and down, desperate to comfort her.

"They're cold and alone and… the poor babies," Lily's speech was becoming progressively unintelligible.

James's finger moved of its own accord and it rested just below her chin. He gently tilted her face up so their eyes could meet. He wanted to smooth away each blood vessel that reddened the eyes he'd always believed to be whiter than starlight. "Lily, I need you to make a bit more sense so that I can help you," James said slowly and clearly.

Lily stared, processing his words, her tears slowing down. "You want to help?" she whispered.

"Of course."

She gently shook her head, as though clearing something, then said "But it's your fault."

"I understand that everything is my fault, but if you don't let me know what exactly it is that I did, I can't make it better."

Lily stared for a while more, then said, "You kicked the kids out of the common room. It's Christmas, and you told those tiny, little things to get out! What is wrong with you?"

James remembered Sirius bribing the children to get them out of the common room for the night. He had told Sirius not to – that they could share the tower – but once Sirius had an idea, there was little that even James could do to dissuade him. Of course, he wasn't about to inform Lily on his lack of a role in what she was upset about. He had always shared Sirius's punishments and will always do so, for he valued his friendship above everything, even the girl stood before him. However, James appeared to constantly forget about his friendship when he was with Lily, thus he forgot to put Sirius first. He had to remind himself that this was Sirius's Lily. He also had to remind himself that he couldn't love her.

"I'm sorry," he said after a while because he felt as though it was the only thing that he could say. Lily looked as though she didn't believe him.

Although it wasn't a noble act Sirius had done, James was surprised about how Lily was reacting. He had never seen her cry, aside from that first night in first year which she refuses to acknowledge. He couldn't understand the tears. And then, at her slight stumble when standing absolutely still, he understood. She was drunk. She had to be on the latter part of the spectrum of drunkenness if she was letting James she her cry. He couldn't leave her now; he had to look after her.

"Okay, let's find the kids and bring them back," he suggested.

"What?"

"Let's give them a Christmas miracle." Her face brightened at the concept, and however awful she'd made James feel during this interaction, he decided that it was worth it; he had seen her sun beyond the storm and it was beautiful.

"Really?" she asked.

James smiled and nodded. He held out his hand and was surprised when she actually placed hers within his.

Lily started to run with James trailing behind, their bodies linked by just their fingers, with James running into and through the echoes of her laughter. They were flying through the corridors, apart from brief breaks as they caught their breaths, where they were inches apart, their air becoming one. Lily was leading and she was far too drunk to take a systematic approach, hence many corridors were missed and even more were repeated, but James was having too much fun, running through the emptiness with the one person he'd always wanted to be with, that the incompetence didn't bother him.

They found themselves close to the Clock Tower when screams punctured the bubble encasing them. They ran towards the noise out of genuine worry, rather than the curious fun disguised as a serious mission that it had been before. Through a distant arch that enters to the courtyard, James saw the bright oranges and felt the heat that were indicative of fire. He drew a sharp breathe and heard Lily mirror it beside him.


	7. Chapter 7

James was terrified. He thought of the children that had left the common room just hours ago, and he was terrified for them. He had unconsciously drawn his wand, ready to fight whatever was necessary in order to save the innocent and slightly awkward faces that he remembered. However, as they neared the Clock Tower Courtyard, events became clearer.

The fire wasn't an uncontrolled inferno as James had originally anticipated and the screams were not of fear as they had first appeared. In truth, there was a perfectly contained and obviously magically-enhanced campfire, around which the younger Gryffindors danced. Amongst the crackling of the fire, the general mumble of chatter could be heard, with laughter and joyous shrieks piercing through. The scent of roasting marshmallows was an undertone to the more dominant burning cherry tree wood, creating a sweet dispersal around the courtyard. The note of glee – a contradictory note to what they had expected – radiated from the campfire and through the children enjoying it, then ended as wisps by James and Lily's feet.

They stood beneath the arch that they had seen earlier, both gasping for breath and staring at the scene before them. Out of sheer relief and slight bemusement, James laughed a laugh loud enough to turn several heads towards the pair. He sheepishly motioned for them to continue with their party. He then felt Lily retreat back into the shadows of the castle, and he turned to her with a questioning look upon his face, but she was unable to answer it as she was no longer there.

James rushed back into the corridor, his eyes straining to pick up her red, but he found nothing. He randomly chose a side (the left) and ran in that direction. He guess proved correct as he heard sniffles behind a corner. He slowed his pace so as to not scare her, treating her as delicately as he would treat a startled cat, and he approached her.

Lily was leaned against the wall, her head in her hands, her shoulders shaking with her tears.

"Lily," he quietly said, "we need to stop meeting with you crying."

Lily lowered her hands and looked up at him. She gave him a soft chuckle that was probably more for James's sake than her own, though it didn't do much to reassure him because it resembled a sound of torture as it mingled with the phlegm at the back of her throat. James walked closer towards her, and with no reservations, he wiped the tears from her face.

"What is it?" he murmured.

Lily's eyes filled up with tears once again, but before they could fall, she wiped them away. She sighed and a resigned look filled her eyes. James believed that it was the last time he would see her cry. Although he adored the trust she had showed by opening up and revealing this side of her, Lily's sadness hurt him more than anything and everything, and James was ready for some cheer, festive or not.

"It's nothing," she said after clearing her throat a few times.

"You can tell me," James said, looking deep into her eyes.

Lily groaned, then said, "I should be happy that they're happy, right?" James didn't respond, so she continued, "I'm so fucking selfish. I want people to be sad if I'm not there. Okay, that sounds worse than it is, but first Sev and then Tuney. I just can't do this."

"I don't understand," James admitted after he realised that she was not going to elaborate.

After a while, she said, "Everyone is happier without me. Tuney is anti-freak and anti-Lily and has been infinitely happier since she cut me out. Our midnight whispers and sharing secrets – it's over. And instead of grieving it like I was, she was sneaking out to parties and dates and whatever else she got up to. And I don't know what she got up to. For the first time, she's living, and for the first time, she's not including me in it. She doesn't want me. Then there's Sev with his gang of fuckers and he's doing so great for himself." Lily groaned again, then continued, "But these kids. I thought that I could help at least them, and instead, they are having the time of their lives, making memories they'll treasure forever, experiencing life." Another groan, though this one lasted slightly longer. "It's just me. I'm lonely and pathetic and I've had to come to the hard realisation that the world goes on without me."

James pulled her into him, his arms enveloping her frame and squeezing her to the point of worry about breaking a rib. He gathered every ounce of love contained within him and poured it into her through the cracks that he wished didn't exist. After her initial shock due to the attack, James felt Lily turn her head so that the side of it lay comfortably against his chest. Her arms rose from her sides, fighting the resistance provide by his body, to wrap around James's waist.

After much longer than a socially accepted hug should last, James broke away from her. It pained him to leave her arms, but it pained him even more to know the self-deprecating thoughts scuttling through her mind.

He said, "I'm so sorry you think that way, but I'm not sorry to tell you how wrong you are. I don't exactly know who Tuney is, so I can't convince you about her, although I am sure that you're mistaken. As for Snivellus-"

"Don't call him that," she whispered.

"As for Snape," he corrected, "judging by the occurrence of what I had previously believed to be impossible, I don't think he's stopped caring about you. His hatred towards me has somehow increased, demonstrated by the fact that his hexes aimed at me, many of them with the intent of murder, have risen to a minimum of ten per day. Sure I'm rude to him, but the reason he actually hates me is because he is terrified that I'll somehow steal you from him. I know that it's impossible to steal you but he doesn't, and since the two of you are no longer on speaking terms, I guess he thinks that I won. He's a Slytherin so he's obviously acting as though it doesn't bother him, but I can tell that he is miserable without you. I have eight and a half scars as definitive proof. He's not dealing well without you."

"I don't think the curses are due to me. He's just a dick."

James started to laugh because Snape was the biggest fucking dick but Lily's admission of the fact reignited his pre-teen joy of winning. Lily joined in with the laughter. Soon, the pair were sitting on the floor, their backs against the wall, holding their stomachs because of the strength in their laughter. James couldn't breathe, but when he managed to gasp in a quick one, he would hear Lily's laughter and he would fall back into the pit. However, their manic laughter eventually dwindled into silence.

"Okay, forget Snape," he said, the name producing a smile from James and a quite giggle from Lily. "Sirius," James whispered, and he was hit with guilt once again. He was sitting inches away from his best friend's girlfriend, hoarding less than innocent feelings towards her. However, his actions had not strayed into those with romantic intentions, and he promised the image of his best friend sitting in his mind that it wouldn't. He felt affection for Lily, but it would remain pure. "Sirius," he repeated, louder this time. "You didn't really know Sirius before this year, but you would have seen the gleeful trickster he showed the world. Well, beyond that, he was sad. He has a shitty family. He moved in with us this summer, and I would have thought it made him happier, but truthfully, I began to see more sadness than glee in his face. And then you walked into his life. He seems liberated from something that I wasn't able to free him from. So, firstly, thank you for that. Secondly, you have made Sirius the closest to complete that he has ever been. Don't you dare think that the world is a better place without you."

James had said all of this looking at the opposite wall, too afraid to look at her, because being genuine was so difficult that James had resorted to the role of the Joker very early on in his life. Even after he had stopped talking, he stared straight ahead, but he felt his arm being lifted and he finally turned to her. Her hair had fallen over her features, so he couldn't discern her emotions. She continued lifting his arm until it was above her, then she shuffled into him and let his hand fall back down, this time, however, over her shoulder. She rested her head on the side of his chest. She whispered her gratitude and they sat that way for a while, listening to the muted joy of the kids close by.

The hand not by Lily's hair was in his pocket. James was fingering his wand when an incredible idea formed in his mind.

"Hey Lily," he said, taking his arm off her and standing up. He drew his wand, then with a more extravagant wave than necessary, he caused white to fall from the air above them. Lily bounced up, her hands reaching high and face pointed upwards, feeling the snow fall upon her. She lowered her gaze to James and gave him the sweetest of smiles. James couldn't stop staring at the glitter that had made its home on the corner of her lashes. He was a second away from kissing it when Lily started him out of the thought as she leaped towards him with her hands outstretched. She grabbed his hands within her own, and they swirled and twirled into the night.

Their game gradually became a dance to the quite music from the courtyard that echoed throughout the corridor. James's hands were on Lily's waist and Lily's hands were linked around James's neck. James had never been so content.

"You know what you said earlier, about how people are happier without you, well I'll give you yet another example that disproves it. My night was a meh, and now it's a solid wow. So, thanks," James said.

Lily stared at him with an intensity that James had never experienced before. She closed the little distance between them, and at the point where there was no more space, she lifted herself onto her tiptoes, leaning her body into his. She closed her eyes and kissed James.


	8. Chapter 8

James was being kissed by Lily Evans. All of his fantasies were within touching distance and ready for his taking. And yet, he found himself pulling away.

"No," he said between her lips. Then he stepped back from her, where he couldn't smell the intoxicating scent of her mixed with the less intoxicating scent of actual intoxication. "No," he said more firmly, without her soft skin clearing his mind of protest. "What about Sirius," he asked, because it was his first and only thought. Sirius. He was betraying Sirius in a way that James will never be able to forgive himself for. He shouldn't even want to kiss her; nevertheless, here he was kissing her, never wanting the kiss to end.

"What _about_ Sirius?" she asked, moving towards him.

James braced his hands against her arms, holding her back. At this surprising action, Lily's gaze travelled away from his lips, the lust in her eyes slowly fading. He hated that he wished he could stop thinking and simply bring her lust back instead.

"What do you mean 'what about Sirius'?" James asked after shaking his head of his wish. At the blank look of her face, he said, "You know, Sirius. Your boyfriend."

Lily choked out a surprised laugh. "Sirius isn't my boyfriend!" she exclaimed.

James could hardly breathe for fear of disrupting the moment. "What?" he whispered.

"Sirius isn't my boyfriend. You actually thought he was?" she giggled. At his silence, she said, "But he's so ga-" Her eyes widened as though she had let something slip, but she quickly recomposed herself and said, "He's so great. Like the actual greatest. But we're just friends."

"The two of you are together all the time."

"Jealous, Potter?" she asked with a playful smile.

"But-"

Lily interrupted James's confusion with another kiss. James sighed into her mouth. He was allowed to love her, thus love coursed through his veins, filling him with a buzz that alcohol had never been able to provide. Sirius and Lily weren't together. They were friends. And with that happy acceptance, James kissed Lily back.

He took her upper lip into his mouth and he could taste strawberries that he wanted to bite into and revel in its juices, but he was careful and he was kind and he caressed her lips within his own. His hands gently ran along a path from the sides of her face into her hair, and they became entangled within the red. His right moved slightly down to cup the back of her neck, pulling her head closer to his own, while his left retreated from the soft haze that it was immersed in. It snaked down her back with his fingertips light against her dress as he ached to feel every curve that she was comprised of, until it stopped over the small of her back, an indent he knew that he would treasure forever. His palm was the closest to flat against her curve that it could be, and he used his grip to press the softness of her into the hardness of him.

At this, Lily emitted a moan into his mouth that made James smile into the kiss. Her hands travelled up from where they lay on his chest to his shoulders then his neck and finally into his hair, through which her fingers clenched to grasp onto his locks. The pain that coursed through him hypersensitised his experience and he became more responsive to every touch, with the lightest of grazes being sensual in a way that he was unfamiliar with. His kisses were losing their softness, and he was smashing his mouth into hers, his desire no longer satisfied with gentle touches. He wanted their bodies to merge into one, and an aspect of roughness was the only way to achieve it. However, in the back of his mind, despite all of the lust overwhelming him, James was sure to make sure that Lily was okay. As she pulled his hair even tighter, her kisses sloppier and harder, James reciprocated.

With a growl emerging deep from his throat, he seized her lower lip between his teeth and sucked it until he heard her gasp. As he let it go, he felt her pull back slightly. His eyes opened and through a cloudy haze, he saw her looking at him. He saw her lips move before the sound registered; "Not here," James heard Lily say. He let her take his hand and lead him to a place that he could neither comprehend, nor wanted to. He vaguely remembered sneaking into the common room. The group were distracted by someone or something on the opposite side of the room to the entrance, so it wasn't particularly difficult to remain undetected. Lily pulled him through a random open door and they found themselves in a cupboard that must have been raided for party supplies. James didn't care. He shut the door behind him then walked to her so that he could continue kissing the girl of his dreams.

After what could have easily either been seconds or hours, a thought that had been shoved into a corner of his mind began to break from its constraints.

"Wait," James whispered, his interruption a shock to even him. Lily hushed him and bought her lips back onto his, but he chuckled into her mouth, "Lily, stop."

Lily sighed and pulled back, their bodies separating with their intertwined limbs untangling.

"Yes?" she asked, and the slight impatience in her voice made him more confident in his action.

He stood tall and said, "You're drunk."

"So?" she replied, laughing.

"I don't want to do this."

"Because I'm drunk?"

"Yeah."

"Well then I'm not drunk."

"Lily," James groaned.

"What?" she asked with far too much innocence for the innocence to be convincing.

"I have wanted this for so long. So no, I am not going to have this first moment with a drunken version of you. I will have it with the real you."

"James, this is me, just less bitchy."

"You're not bitchy," he murmured.

"Yes, I am. But with alcohol, with all those inhibitions lowered, I'm not. Trust me, I know I'm easier to be around when I'm drunk."

"I like the sober version of you"

"Oh. So you don't like this version?" she asked, stepping backways. She reached back and James heard the unmistakable sound of a zip opening as her hand moved down. Her hands then gripped the hem of her dress and she threw it off.

James stared at the body before him. The black of her bra sat beneath skin oozing out into rounded mounds that rose with each breath and set his own breathing pattern to an irregular rate; each of her movements that caused ripples in her skin resulted in a hazardous ceasing of James's breath. He wanted to kiss every inch of it, and the thought of what lay hidden beneath the material – what other skin there was to kiss – sent James's mind spinning. Below the bra, there was a tiny fold of skin. He wanted bite until he heard her soft laugh from above him. Her stomach, with their curves cutting into it, was toned with muscular indents lying in the shadows. He wanted to run his fingers through the groves, gently, so that her hairs raise up in anticipation of him. He wanted to run his fingers towards the treasure below.

"You don't like this version?" she repeated, her right hand slowly trailing the skin from her neck, over her bra, down her stomach, then changing angle so that the fingertips faced down and rested over the side of her thigh, her thumb hooked under the band of her underwear. Her left hand found its way into her hair, which she ruffled and it fell over her shoulders, her face obscured with red that James needed to brush away.

James's heart was racing against his thoughts. He couldn't process the fact that she was making her way back to him, but he noticed an increasing clarity in the constellations of freckles more complex than those in the sky, and he tried to understand her stars. He only realised her proximity when he felt her cool hands run down the sides of his arm. They then moved back up, meeting behind his neck, and the magnetic field she possesses meant that James's lips met hers halfway.

She was everything and he was experiencing her.

"No," James breathed with every ounce of self-restrained poured into it.

"Not again," he heard Lily mumble.

"Stop, Lily," he said more firmly.

Her feet fell from their balls to their heels and her hands fell from his neck to his shoulders. She looked up at him with her doe eyes and James was a blink away from giving in. But he loved her. He had loved her since he was eleven years old.

"Tomorrow?" he asked.

Lily stared at him in confusion.

"We'll do this tomorrow."

Lily rolled her eyes but she couldn't hide the smile that had emerged and James finally relaxed in it. He kissed her on the cheek, but before he could step back, Lily pecked him on the lips with a love that James had always dreamt of. James reached for a blanket on a shelf next to him, then he took her hands into his own and pulled her onto the floor. Lily lay on top of him, her head resting atop his chest, with both of their bodied wrapped beneath the blanket.

James was exhausted. His eyes shut almost immediately after he had rested his head on the floor, but he heard Lily say "Tomorrow" like a promise. James smiled and fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Lily stared at the boy sat beside her. James had just finished his story of last night, and with each event that he clarified, fragments of her memories had resurfaced. She remembered enough to understand that James's story was a greatly revised version of events and she assumed that this was his attempt at saving her from embarrassment. Lily truly had been a drunk mess last night.

Lily understood that she should be mortified. Despite this, she wasn't. Last night was special for they had connected. Although she had lost specific details of that connection, the ease of which she was able to sit beside him – the boy she had hated for five years and pathetically lusted for since the beginning of their sixth – proved the existence of their bond. Lily understood that she should be mortified, but truthfully, she was happy.

However, instead of the sentimental blubber that Lily would never be able to express, she asked, "Why didn't you play properly?"

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"The drinking game that we played yesterday. You didn't do it properly."

"I did," he smiled.

"But you're James fucking Potter. How did you drink so little?!"

James gave a little awkward laugh, then said, "Um, a lot of those were sexual and I'm not crazy experienced."

"Seriously?" she asked with one eyebrow raised.

"Yeah." At Lily's lack of response, he looked away and explained, "Well, I've kind of been in love with this girl since first year, and other girls didn't affect me like she did, so I didn't end up having much sex, and definitely not enough sex to get drunk by that game."

After an eternity of silence while Lily processed his words, she asked the first thought that popped into her currently dysfunctional head. "Why didn't you have sex with me then?"

James looked at her with disbelief. "You were drunk! It took me a while to realise it, but that's horrifying."

"Am I that bad a drunk?" she asked quietly.

"No! It's not that! It's just that it wouldn't be sex. It would be me abusing you because you weren't in a state of control. Do you understand?"

Lily, who has had plenty of sex with several people during multiple stages of intoxication, didn't entirely understand. However, she thought that James was sweet. He warmed her heart in a way that was foreign to her.

"So, you do want to have sex with me?" she asked, bringing her thoughts back to something she could understand.

James laughed and responded, "Do you?"

"I asked you first," she said, her childish petulance resurfacing.

After a moment of deliberation, James conceded, "Yes. I do. One day. But when we have sex, I want you to love me as much as I love you."

Lily snorted. "You expect that to happen?" she asked.

"Well, if you'd have asked me that yesterday morning, I would have told you that it was an impossible dream. This morning, however…" he said, his words trailing off.

Lily nudged him with her shoulder and they both started laughing. This was one of the most surreal situations that Lily had ever been in. However, what was perhaps even more bizarre was that she didn't want it to end.

After the laughter had faded, Lily decided that it was time to be brave. "Do you keep promises, Potter?" she asked.

"I try to."

"Well what about the promise of tomorrow?"

James's head snapped up, his eyes searching for hers. "You remember?" he whispered.

"Vaguely," she laughed. "You triggered some memories." She stared into his eyes and began to feel lost within its brown, but she felt no fear. "It's tomorrow," she said.

She saw the spark of hope ignite within his eyes. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, and she had recently been exposed to the bed hair of James Potter, a sight worthy of a religious following. James sat still and Lily understood that he was waiting for her to make the first move. So she did.

Then they sprang apart as they heard a crash. Lily's eyes were drawn to the door that had been slammed open, but instead of a door, she found Sirius and Remus kissing with the intent of more and in search of a privacy that they weren't about to receive. Lily saw James's jaw drop from the corner of her eye, but she was too busy squealing with joy for it to register.

Lily had never experienced such a wonderful morning, and it was only the first of many to come.


End file.
